I Saw You

I saw you
On the screen
Singing to me
All of your melancholy words,
My green-eyed man.

Your voice was etheral and present
Yet it lasted only a moment
Then it was gone
You and me
Forever
Until we meet again.

Your SB

Gone

But you can't because you're gone, gone, gone, gone, gone...

I saw a photo of your beautiful face
With deep green eyes
Scruffy chin and sides
Light brown hair
But sadness from within

I looked deeply
You beckoned me
Called me and asked if I remembered
Of course I do
Every bit
All of it

The intensity
The turmoil
The ache and yearning of my heart
The want of us
Close
Forever
Always
As one

Always did I belong to someone else and not you. I wanted you. But you didn't let me. My heart broke and I fell into that deep dark place that is still my shadow. If only. But I'll never know. In all this life and the next I'll never know. You are my one and only question. My unanswered wonderment. My green-eyed lover.

It's obvious, I'm no longer in pain, but more like in a place of nostalgia, for what we had because you understood, everything. My love, my hapless romantic, my heart.

Your SB.

A Year In Rearview

We are are so far from one another now, that I no longer feel you next to me. To whisper your name feels foreign and vague; just like I'm whispering in the wind.  There no longer is substance.

 It's hard for me to move on. It will

always be hard for me to move past you.  You will forever remain young, while I propell into old age. I will remember you, your masculinity,  strength, ability to love me and be free, with the wind, sun and rubber on the pavement.

Goodnight my love 2014 has gone by. I've learnt you passed, one year ago. It has been too long.

I Told My Therapist about You

Again...
I looked for the folder within an email account I had since long forgotten the password to. There it was. Your folder.  With the click of my finger, it opens and back I am drawn, with nothing less than godspeed, to a time when we were each other's gravity.

Email 16 of 166: (there were once hundreds upon hundreds of emails, luckily I saved a few)
"In case you have forgotton what I looked like," with an attachment that opened to a dimly lit face of my one in only...who lived...when he lived, in the UK. Cornwall to be exact.

That very day I listened to Coldplay. They always remind me of us. Him. I. The sadness. The wishfulness. Our love.

I saw my therapist and planned on nothing to say, then I showed her snippets of my life that are still bound to him. Not intentionally, not planned, all covert. I showed her pictures of him, conversations we had and the plan I had, to be with him.

My therapist asked why I was thinking about him. I couldn't think of a reason why. Then it dawned on me: it was October.  This is the month we met, 8 years ago. We met so long ago...when I was still in college,  wishing for a knight to whisk me away. Someone like him.

I cried. I cried. Tears were streaming thickly down my face. My therapist acknowledged that he is still a big part of my life. I never thought about that. However,  he's everywhere.

I feel bad for him and feel empty inside of me. He acknowledged me and all I wanted to give, creatively, to the world. He understood it all.

It's October again...I miss him. I can still hear the inhilation of his breath, as he picked up his phone listened to my California like "hello", then with his perfect British accent say, "hiya"...

You

Your face
your eyes
your hands.

The delicate sadness
hidden under a masculine air.

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I hurt you.
I'm sorry I never filled your sadness.
I'm sorry your broken heart killed you.

All of it, for naught.

If only I could fix it.

Fix you.
Fix your soul and make it...
Overflow, with every essential molecule
that keeps a heart flushed and beating
for the love of another.
You.

I'm sorry my Simon.
You left before our first and last embrace.

Now you're lost on the blackest seas.

I love you.

Your SB

I Sometimes Lay Awake Thinking of You...

Lovely Simon...

I have slowly let you go...as if our fingers were intertwined and slowly pulled apart by some unseen force. I can no longer see your face and your voice is now becoming distant. It saddens me because you and I were so in love, years ago. I never thought our days would come to an end; yet I felt that somehow there would be a day that you would no longer inhabit this precious Earth.

I lay awake at night sometimes and review the conversations, that I can remember. Your sweet words. Your gentle whispers. Your erotic thoughts. Your wishes...and talks of me being your wife. I miss your voice, it exuded masculinity.  Every breath. The inhalation of the cigarette you smoked while we talked.  You made it sexy and I don't even like them.

I think about your body, the curves, the lines, your manly paths of hair that traveled to places wanted. I wanted it badly. I did the same when you were alive. I thought of you...I dreamt of you, I wanted to inhale every bit of your essence.

How I miss you.

I see you as if you are floating, on the sea; like a small spot in the distance. Too difficult to make out. Far away. That is how you are. Far away. Unable to be seen and unable to see.

I Miss You

It is sad and desperate to say that I fall asleep looking at your picture every night.  I cry. I do. I think of all we shared and all we will never have...even if there was a possibility of loving you, for a short time..it will never happen.

It was probably never meant to be for you and I. We were merely supposed to exist, suspended in time, amongst the wires, internet connections and phone lines. Only there, in that unliveable space,  were we fated to exist. That is it. That was it. Only there. Yet, it was beautiful.  I would do it all again. I never loved so deeply, than I did with you. In all my years, all 40 years on this Earth, I've never loved so fully with my soul, than I did with you. My soulmate. My Hapless Romantic.

I hope I didn't contribute to your death. I pray you thought of me inly with loving kindness, as I do you.