I am Here for You

I am here for you ok, no more arguing, things between us will get better, even better when we are together, why would they not? I promise you I will look after you, care for you, spoil you and treat you the way you want to be treated, and to love you for the woman you are, a beautiful person who has my heart and my soul. Love you. xXx

Toward the end of the height, of our relationship, we would argue often. Most of the arguments came about because of Simon's insecurities. He used to think that I was seeing other people and used to embellish events and make them seem like something they were not. No matter how distraught he became, I would maintain my patience and try my hardest to convince him that he was just thinking nonsensically.

Even though we had ups and downs, I miss him. I miss his words and wanted so  badly to be with him, in his arms, while I listened to his heart beat. I wanted to lay on his lap while we watched television, within a dimmed living room. I wanted to lay skin-to-skin with him. I wanted him all to myself.

He knew how to use words to bring me back in--to a place I loved being--with him. He promised me, he would take care of me, for all eternity and said that he would bring me pancakes and Diet Pepsi, as long as I wanted (they are my favorite foods); even if he had to search for them high and low. I suppose pancakes are not easy to find in Britain (he at least made it seem that way).

I wanted to be spoiled by him; he vowed that he would do things for me and to me, that 'H' refused to do. He took excitement in all the things he liked to do because he finally found the package--me. He wondered where I had been all his life because it seemed that we would be compatible--sexually, mentally, and creatively.

I felt that I was losing the opportunity to explore my sexuality and believed Simon and I were definitely soul-mates. I have never doubted that for a second. I wanted him to take me, to overwhelm my senses, and to have my body lose itself in his arms and warm body. He made me feel beautiful. He made me feel like I would always be perfection, in my imperfect body and mind, to him.

Sigh...he was beautiful. I miss my Simon. I think about him constantly and wonder if he is still around me. I look for signs constantly and hope that I know it is him.

Last night I watched P.S. I Love You, with Hillary Swank and Gerard Butler. It is uncanny how similar the characters within the movie, mirrored our life. Simon was a handsome musician with an amazing British accent and Gerard was a handsome musician with an amazing Irish accent. I cried throughout the movie, at every turn. I thought of Simon the whole time. Will he lead the way in helping me recover from his death? Will he help me discover who I truly am?

Anyhow, waiting for the certificate to arrive any day...morbid yes. I'm kind of scared to know.