I know that our relationship was anything but ordinary. It was in-fact, extraordinary. Many people in the whole of their lifetime, will never get the opportunity to love so fully and unconditionally, as we did.How and why did you die one day before Valentine's day?
I met someone the other day who told me about you (and I). I had to do this--my heart was breaking too much. It was hard to hide my tears--from people that don't know and never will. I wanted to know more. Where did you go? Were you okay? Did you ever come by my side?
I was told that the answers I was about to get where both good and bad and that what needed to be said, will be.
I was told that you and I were connected spiritually.
I was told that you died of a broken heart.
I was told that you don't want to leave me and are by my side.
I was told that you are afraid to leave me broken because you left me before.
I was told that it was my fault because you love me too much.
My tears streamed and flowed down my face. My heart was breaking. I was shaking and saddened so deeply with the vastest, darkness, hole in my heart. Why you? Why me? Why us? This felt like a nightmare.
I was told that you had visited me, when I was alone, followed me, touched me and have even laid by my side, as I slept. She told me you had followed me to work and even called my name. I was told that I didn't receive you properly because I was not paying attention. Little did she know that I did know there was a presence around me.
In the summer of 2012, I had vivid happenings that occurred to me, over the course of a couple of months.
It also started with tapping on my window, in the middle of the night. I was scared when I was awakened. It happened for two nights in a row. I was so scared that I slept on the wrong side of the bed, for a while. I also heard someone in my home. I thought it was someone else, but no one was there. I remember looking into the mirror of the other room and saw no one, when I heard noise coming from that direction. I heard whispering. Someone calling me. I heard it at home and one time at work. I remember sleeping lightly, on my bed, one dark winter's evening. I felt someone touch me. Thinking it was one of my children, I swatted my hand in that direction. I called out for my boys, but was taken aback when I could hear them, far away, on the other side of the house. I have to admit, I was scared. I was startled. I wondered who it was. This was too coincidental. I didn't mention these details to her, I kept them to myself. This was too weird for me.
So, was that you? Were you trying to get my attention, to let me know you were watching over me? I suppose I will never know, but am open to the idea of you and I connecting spiritually because one day, I will be on the other side.
She went on...
I was told that you were 'stuck' because you did not want to see me in so much pain. You felt that you did the right thing, when you were here. You felt guilty for letting me go because you thought it had to be that way; but were now thinking that the hurt now was greater than the pain we could've caused being together. I was told that you didn't want to leave me. It was comforting to know that you may still be with me, but so overwhelmingly sad that we never had our kiss. We never had our true hello and goodbye.
I was told that you haven't crossed over and are residing on middle lines on a two lane road: unable to cross; eating and sleeping in the cold, hot from the sun, eating and sleeping on the bare road--while you waited for me, to help you. To let go. Only 'til then would you be able to move on.
My pain runs so deep, that I cannot imagine not thinking about you. How can I let go of our vowed devotion and love for one another? I cannot imagine how. How do I open my hand to let you go with the wind, when our love is so fresh and far inside my being?
She asked me if you would let me go? Would you do the same for me? I told her "yes, he would". You would never want me to suffer and rest in limbo, "stuck" and unable to move. I imagined that you would do everything you could to help me go where I was supposed to. But I can't. Although, I know I will. I love you too much to leave you stranded.
My Green Eyes...the one I was looking for. From you to me:
Goodnight
love
you
x
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