I am going to have a hard time letting my love go. He was wonderful and beautiful in words, powerful and strong at how he approached life; yet, he had a weakness, and it was to find love. I wanted to give him that with my heart and soul. I wanted to do for him, than any other man I had ever known. He deserved it. I deserved it. We deserved each other.
He knew me, accepted all that I encompassed, looked straight into my heart and fed me with words no one else has ever given me. We bonded and fell in love the first time we saw one another. Simple as that. I couldn't have predicted it.
I felt that I was in a storybook and my prince had arrived. He was not perfect and had struggles of his own, but I knew that he needed love to help heal him. We took each other to places, no one else ever did. We spent hours, days, months and years, with each other. Yet, we were both so far away. I wanted to be with him. I did all I could to be there..yet he didn't let me. I think he was protecting me. Protecting me, from him, and my own self.
I love him so deeply. My heart hurts and aches in such sadness. I have never had such profound hurt or sadness over anyone. I know we were meant to spiritually be together. Our chemistry was so strong. I long for his lips. I longed for his warmth. I longed to breathe in his maleness and smell the leather of his jacket. The jacket he wore as he rode his bike, alone, from town-to-town.
I couldn't help myself. I contacted his brother yesterday. I took a chance, for I will get no closer to Simon, except through someone who knew him. In my message, I wrote:
- I want to say that I am sorry for your loss. I am saddened to have found out that Simon passed and has moved on, to another place. He was an amazing and sensitive soul.
I got to know Simon through the internet. We spent countless hours, emails, phone calls, messages through webcam, with one another. I felt that I knew him from the bottom of my heart--as if I had always known him. I fell in love with him the first time we met. He was a true romantic and poet. Every word he wrote, every word he spoke, was truthful and real.
He made me fall for him...I never asked to seek this. I couldn't help myself or couldn't stop my feelings. I truly and deeply wanted to be with him, with all my heart; however, something made him distance himself from me, even though I had done everything in my power to go be by his side. I had everything ready to go. I had changed everything in my life. I know we would've made it. With all my heart I do.
Somehow, he felt that I too, was the one. I really believe and know with my heart, that he loved me as vastly and deeply, as I did him. I know he was my soul-mate. It has never happened before him or after. He was and always will be deeply locked within my heart.
I have saved all the poetry he had written me and emails...that were exchanged between him and I. I am glad I saved them. I never thought he would've gone so soon. I always thought I'd meet him one day.
We made plans and discussed the places he would take me in Cornwall. He promised me St. Michael's Mount, Minnack Theatre, and the cliffs of The Lizard. I became so familiar with his world, I felt I was always with him.
We'd talk and we'd be amazed at how far away we really were, but were so close with technology. Emails would be delivered in an instant, but miles were so vast. We exchanged melodies, music, pictures and everything we could about our lives. I felt he truly knew my soul. I felt that he was the one for me.
He recorded a video, once. He was at your sister's house.. He took me on a tour. I was so excited to see everything. I wanted to know everything about him. He told me about Jenny and the loss he felt, after her passing. I understood him. We exchanged our hearts, we wrote for one another. We conversed in real time, through the internet, told stories, watched movies at the same time, discussed our day, talked about the weather differences of California and Cornwall. We joked, laughed and cried. I knew what he had for breakfast...coffee. He knew my favorite foods, pancakes and Diet Pepsi. We vowed we'd love each other forever and always.
He told me he wanted to marry me. I accepted and wanted to be his wife. As I said, I made all the arrangements possible, legally and personally, to leave.
Our love was so strong for one another. I was saddened to know that he felt foolish...as if no one believed I was real...just some figment of his imagination. This is so untrue. I was and continue to be real. I love him so deeply...it hurts to know that he is gone. I asked him once, "If something happens to you, how would I know?" He told me he'd tell one of his sisters, about me. Of course, I live in another country and seem so irrelevant, to you or your family, but what we had was real. I took his lead and he made me fall in love.
Somehow, I knew something was wrong. Yesterday I decided to see if I could find anything out about Si. It wasn't hard. I found his obituary online. Like I said, he told me so much about his world and life, that we even discussed the best newspaper in the area. So, I knew where to look.
Yes, I know that he was engaged. I am glad that he had the opportunity to find someone to be by his side, to make him happy, to feel belonged and love. I am hoping that his last years were well. I hope he lived fully.
If I may, could I ask how he passed? Did he ever talk about me? If so, good or bad, I'd like to know what it was he said. You are the only one that I could contact. I am sorry, for contacting you this way. I know that I messaged you long ago. I wonder if you read that message as well, or if you told him I wanted to contact him.
In his last email, he told me that he'd still like to see me one day. I kept that close to my heart and vowed I would make my way...
I feel like I'm in a nightmare. I can't believe this.
I need closure and don't know how to do it. My heart is breaking and I am so sad.
I would deeply appreciate your kindness, if you or one of your sisters, could contact me. It is difficult to convey meaning through these typewritten words. Speaking to someone would make everything so much easier...for me to let him go. At this point, I don't know how I ever will.
I know you may not want to deal with any of this, or some crazy girl in California; but it was all real, for me and Simon".
Please contact me.
This is something he wrote to me...to prove his love:
TO REACH YOU...
Dust scatters in the wake
Thrown from the turning wheel
Wind bites your neck
Ray of light Stings your eyes
Banked over
Kiss the tarmac
Speed
Miles travelled
Never near
Yet, so far
Pace, steady
Constant Moving to the place
Of the distant yearning
In your heart
11/03/07
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