This has been a long week. I can't believe I found out you passed away, a week ago. It has been desperate and long. My sorrow has been so deep and painful that I did not know how I could function on a each day. You were such an integral part of my life, for such a long time, that I thought we'd have enough time to be together.
When I used to think about you, I would become ovewhelmed with memories and love, that would take me back, to the days when we were new.
I so couldn't help myself that I had to share my secret of the love we shared; when we professed our deepest feeling, secrets, experiences and hopes with one another. I feel guilty for doing so because I wanted to keep you close to my heart. I wanted to keep you to myself. I wanted to grieve in private. But I had to say something. I don't know why. I think back and wish that I could've been as open, about you, when you were here.
I feel guilty. I didn't want to share you, but it seems to be helpful with the loss that I feel. I've let my friends read my thoughts and outpouring of love I had and still have for you... my sweet sweet Simon.
When I went and talked to "someone" about you, she said that you didn't want me, "to know how you died." But I couldn't help myself. I have to know. Simon, if it's true that you do not want me to know, please forgive me...I did something outrageous because my mind couldn't let go of it...I ordered your death certificate. It will be here soon. I don't know what I'll think when it gets here or if someone else, you know...(h)... will get it the post before me. I hope not. Who knows what he'll say or the explanation I will give. Either way...I have to know. I'm willing to risk that.
Well my love, see you soon. Love you.
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