No Matter

No matter how hard I think, talk, stare at his pictures and read his writings: he'll never come back. Life is so damn unfair.

There is nothing more that I can do, except hope, pray and believe that I was as ever present in his thoughts and dreams. How could I not have been? Our love was extraordinary. We loved one another in an unconventional way. Not many others on the planet have been able to love with a passion as we did. The things we did to share and show our love, were beyond normal. Everything in every way, from our ordinary lives to the life we shared with one another, was completely abnormal and normal for us.

I keep asking the same questions but receive no answers. I am mad. I am mad that he was taken so young. I thought that there was more time. I doubt that he may have known he was as ill as he was. I am sure he suspected something, but was unable to look into or share what he had known. What he was diagnosed with, leaves a prognosis of 2-3 years. I wonder if he didn't want to tell me.

I love him. My heart is breaking so badly!!! I am so pissed!!! I loved him more than anyone. I have never loved a man so deeply. I didn't know that this kind of love existed. I had no idea that he would be a part of my life for so long. Sadly, I will take the love of this man to my dying day. When I am old and grey, I will remember my Simon in his youth. I wonder if he will still love me then, as well (if he is still around me at that time).

How ironic.
He will forever be young, never old, never grey, never in his rickety old chair. 
He will never play another note on his guitar. 
He will never listen to the music he gave me. 
He will never write another word. 
His voice will never resonate and tell me I was his 'babe'. 
I can hear and see him, just as I remember. 
He will never age, never fade, but will never ever be, again.

I fell asleep crying last night. I woke up with tears down my face and a runny nose. I wonder if anyone knows why I am the way I am? or if they are just assuming I am just being me.

I love you Dear Simon. I'll love you forever.  No matter how much I say it or profess, I can't make you come back. I'm sorry.