Love You My Darling, I Truly Do

I need to post this...I miss his words...these bring me back to a time that seemed so long ago...

No, you do not sound crazy, just tired and perhaps some of the med's you are taking may make you not think straight, but crazy, never!

You need stability, constant feelings from me, instead of me being up and down, sorry you have had things a lot more difficult than I.

I am here, there for you........I won't let you go, give you up, do you hear me.

Love you my darling, I truly do.........xXx

At this point and time during our relationship, everything had gotten so rough, with many ups and many more downs, that I didn't know what to do anymore. Simon made me choose between leaving and staying. I was so upset because I had already chosen to be with him and had made many adjustments in my life, to more than accommodate him.

Everyone at this time in the relationship thought I was out of my mind. I didn't feel like anything was wrong; rather, I felt like everything was just fine. I felt like I was making an accurate and well-thought out decision. I had a friend crying because she knew that I was no longer coming back. 'H' was mad because he did not understand what was going on---it didn't help that he ignored the elephant in the room and let everything, just be. 'H' didn't question anything when I had said I was leaving and was not coming back. He agreed and said, "Whatever you want." and left it at that? Who does that? 'H'  did.

I felt like I had permission to do what I felt was the right thing, as I was following my heart. I figured that 'living once' and getting 'once chance to live' was a huge determinant in my decision to be with Simon. How often does one get to live with their soul-mate? to love fully? to be with someone who understands your every being, breath, and movement, that you two can't figure where one person ends and the other begins? How often do we feel so fully and completely in love, that the skies are the bluest blue and the dark starry night shines with the brightest twinkling, anyone has ever seen?
How often do people in love really get the chance to feel their head get dizzy and stomach flip, at the sight of the one they love? How many people get the chance to 'get  this right?'

I felt like I was living a dream, with a real prince charming, with my British Happless Romantic, in his sweet masculine voice. I felt like a princess, who had been rescued from a life she had known, with more in her life that she had experienced at such a young age, then what most people get in a life time. I felt that this was my due; that Simon was the one I found, out of a random situation, in the vastness of humanity in the space we call home, Earth.

I wanted to escape the trauma, violence, negativity and reminders of the town in which I lived. I wanted to say goodby forever, to start new. To start a life and every day, in the arms of the person I loved. In the arms of a man, who would tell me I was beautiful, lovely and the most wonderful creature he had ever seen. I wanted to wake in the arms of a true renaissance man; a man that could tough out the elements and write the sweetest and most heartfelt words. I want to be with someone who would protect me, from every element, in this life--until the day I died. I wanted to be put on a pedestal.

All of this, was and still is Simon. I wanted to wake in his arms, while my hand would gently rub his chest, leaving a trail from the deepest vein in his neck down toward the hardness in his groin. I wanted to close my eyes, breathe in and hear his heart beating while we synchronized each inhalation and exhale. I wanted to feel his warmth on the side of my face that rested on his chest. I wanted our fingers to intertwine and kiss as we talked, with the morning light streaming through the window. I wanted to cover myself in his essence, his masculinity, his being and soul.

I knew that he was the one for me. I was the one for him.

But, it didn't matter how much we wanted because it didn't happen. Simon didn't let it. I was broken,confused, and begged him to give me an answer, a reason, and explanation. Something. But he never said. He never said why. Until this day, I still do not know.

I was so taken back by the decisions and actions that were happening around me, that I lost control. I lost control of my sanity; of my mind; of my own awareness within reality. I literally lost my mind.

It left me. I wanted to leave. I tried to leave. I made the decision to leave and never wanted to come back. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and welcomed the dark space of the room I was in. The only light coming in, was a sliver, that peeked around the frame of the door. I closed my eyes as tears ran down my face and I felt myself falling and pulling further away. Further away  than I had ever been. Far enough away, to feel like I was falling. Free-falling...

I didn't want to come back. I wanted the darkness to take me. To take me away...so that I could never feel again...I no longer...wanted to feel...